Gravity

It's the word of the day:  Gravity.  

Yesterday we met with a representative from OPWDD (Office of Persons With Developmental Disabilities), and attended a Head Start Parent Group meeting (early dismissal day for Head Start), and met with the Bridges to Health (B2H) - Health Care Integrator for Pierson, and met with Pierson's B2H Waiver Service (respite and family services) Provider or WiSP as they are called, and we met with the Case Planner for the infant we are fostering, and I would have had an executive committee meeting for Boys and Girls Club of Massena, but it was canceled as we are holding our annual meeting today.  Suffice it to say, we had back to back meetings with providers from 9 am until 5 PM while juggling the needs of four kids.  Several of the appointments overlapped.  Lucky for me that Sara is on vacation and we could tag team, which we do really well, especially when the needs are like they were yesterday.  At one point, I'm pretty sure that there were three cars in the driveway aside from ours!  The gravity of this is that it is all necessary.  There aren't places to trim back or reduce.  Pierson needs his services and supports, Elliott needs his, I need to feel connected to making positive changes in our community, our foster children need the nurturing and attention that we give them, and we even squeaked out 20 minutes for a fast trip to "Salvos".  When I say Salvos, I'm talking about the Salvation Army Boutique in Massena.  Thrifting clothing is one of Sara's hobbies.  Although we are fortunate enough to be financially stable, we live beyond our means by being frugal. If she can find gently used name brand, attractive, quality clothing - why not?  We pocket the savings and use it for other things like get away weekends to Canada or Maine.  It's a wonderful balance that affords us rich opportunities.  It was a hectic, but wonderful day in many ways.

Gravity.  The gravity of the situation hit me yesterday when our OPWDD representative told us that although it wasn't certain, there was a probability that Elliott would be working with this program for the rest of his life.  It hit me that when I was applying for services for him through this program, I was skeptical that they would find him eligible at all, or if he was that maybe it would be just provisional eligibility until he re-certifies at age 8.  That is, in fact, what happened - he was found to be provisionally eligible.  I suppose I minimized the significance of his needs.  When you live with a person with disabilities, you see their abilities more than the disabilities.  You normalize them in your day to day lives.  But the gravity of it hit me when she used terms like "lifelong".  She works with kids on the spectrum as her clients and reminded me that this is not going away... that ASD would  be a qualifying check-mark on the forms at that age too.  That's when it hit me that my pragmatic approach was skewed.  I had been seeking services and supports in an effort to flood Elliott with early interventions that would fix things.  I hadn't really entertained the gravity of this being a lifelong scenario.  When I filed the OPWDD paperwork, I hadn't considered that the ripples could potentially be lifelong if he is found to still need services in four years.  So that got me thinking.  EVERYTHING we do with these kids is a source of lifelong ripples.  Gravity.

Gravity.  Training a service dog for Elliott was supposed to be a temporary intervention.  Maybe it will be, maybe it won't.  Too hard to tell at this time.  But it reminds us of the need to live in the moment, as that is really all a person has.  Not that you shouldn't make long term plans - you should.  But, it's critical to not get so tangled up in that process or distracted by the chaos of everyday life that we forget to live in - and enjoy - the moment of life we are experiencing right now, right this minute.  We have choices to make at every moment of time.  Are we going to enjoy this moment, or are we categorizing it as strife and allowing ourselves to experience it with disdain.  Harmful free radicals course through your bloodstream when you do that.  It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy - you become less healthy, less happy.  It was your choice and you made it happen for that moment.  So, gravity.  Choose wisely.  Every word we speak, every gesture toward our fellow human beings - make it kind, and enjoyable - for you and for them.  That moment is all you have.  Our lives are finite.  I recently read an e-card on Facebook that said something like "No matter whether you are rich or poor, have many possessions or don't, have stature and fame in life or not, we all end up in exactly the same size 6 foot deep hole in the ground when it's over and done."  Gravity.

So, I feel that it's time to stop evaluating every bit of news, every test result, every acknowledging look from others that see Elliott's behavior in public confirming that something significant is amiss.  I am over ALL of it now.  I truly am.  It's not a matter of whether something is good, or bad.  Whether it makes me happy or sad, whether I FEEL the gravity of a situation or not.  I am choosing to just accept and experience each moment in time as it is - for what it is.  I am deciding in the "moment before" the next one, that the next one will be wonderful.  Enjoyable.  Pleasurable.  The cup is always half full this way.  And the journey is so much more enjoyable, and the ripples we make will affect others similarly.

There is no gravity anymore.  I am free, and weightless, and loving it more this way.

Gravity - it's a choice.